To love your sibling, or why it is sometimes hard.


I had a very eventful and interesting day today with some profound interactions with three wonderful people.

I dedicated many hours to help some of them get through troubles both physical and emotional. Surprisingly, all three of them, in different contexts, were speaking about their relationships with their siblings. Difficult and painful relationships with their siblings. And that made me think…

I have a brother myself and he means the world to me. We were not always amazingly kind with each other while growing up, although, for him, I will bring the sky down to Earth.

I love you, you were there for me, you protected me, and most of all, you loved me. We'd fight, scream, and argue, but, under it, all is love. That only exists, in a brother, and a sister. Unknown

While understanding that your brother or sister is your family, is your most dear friend, it sometimes happens that they can also be your worst enemies. Sadly.

I heard today that the mother of one of my acquaintances on purpose prioritises the son making the daughter hate him (her brother). And because it has been done for many years in a raw, the hatred grew, the bitterness grew, the sadness, hurt and a lot of guilt on top of that flourished.

It does not seem fair, and it is very unjust. But what if the mother does not know better? What if she sees her own unhappiness in her daughter and she wants to give as much love as possible to her son hoping that he will grow a better man than his father was? We probably will never know the answer.

The point is that there is always (or, almost always) another point, something that we can hardly see through our own pain.

If you do have loving and harmonious relationships with your sibling(s) - my sincere congratulations.

If you do find it difficult to come to terms with them, then here are some points I would like to bring to your awareness:

  1. You are different. Not better, not worse - you are just different. Without that awareness that we can or supposed to be different, siblings are often at odds with each other.

  2. It`s not true that your parents love them more. The truth is that your parents might have had their own unresolved issues and they did the best they could to bring you up. They were there to be your teachers and to teach you the lessons you learned. Making peace with your parents, forgiving them, understanding them will make it easier to accept, relate and love your sibling. Just make an effort to put yourself on their place…how would you act?

  3. Yes, it is OK to be jealous or envy of your sibling. These emotions are natural for human beings. However, my recommendation would be to really sit in the feeling of jealousy (or other negative emotion) and understand what is that teaching you. It is draining your energy and you will gain no good, only the whole beautiful bond with that special soul on this planet will be ruined. You do not know how long you or they will be around for, make every day count.

  4. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for anything that you think you need to be forgiven. Ask for forgiveness from your sibling. They do love you.

  5. You are not responsible for them. For their life, for their choices. No. It is sometimes painful to see them going down the wrong track and making so many awful choices. Let them do whatever they choose to do. It is not your responsibility to fix them, to heal them, to save them. It will only be your responsibility when they ask you for that directly.

    I know that situations may vary, and you very often do the best for your “lost” brothers or sisters. But what if our help does not work? What if something goes wrong? You will then live with so much guilt and regret.


    Love them. Care for them. Be there for them when they need you. Forgive them. Understand that they have the right to make their own choices, even if those choices are dumb and fatal.

  6. If they want to be out of your life - let them go. Set them free. It is OK. Just because you share the same parents and same childhood memories you do not need to feel obliged to continue any sort of relationships with your sibling if it is dysfunctional, if you are not loved, not welcomed and you are clearly told to leave them alone. As painful as it can be, letting them be or letting them go will be less of a drama in the years to come. You are not obliged.

These are my thoughts on the topic of our relationships with our siblings.

If you do have some painful emotional experiences in that area, you may want to consider working with a coach or a healer to guide you through the process of releasing those emotions.

If you like this article, I would like to hear your thoughts and comments about it.

Here are some of my earlier thoughts on the topic.

I offer a Free 30 mins Clarity Session to those who want help with releasing painful negative emotions attached to the “family issues”.

If you have questions, you can contact me directly oroma@oksanaroma.com

With Love,

Oksana Roma

Your Empowerment Angel